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Why am I not perfect
Saturday, 19 May 2012 at 00:08
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” Literally, I am at this point in my life where it is pretty much straightforward: make, or break. This is a risk I am willing to take. 有时，困住我们的只是我们自己。 |
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I wanted you to stay, even though nothing could stay the same.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012 at 07:00
#nowplaying: The Water - Feist The Lover's Dictionary. There was no possible way to type in the whole book, so here are some of my favourite words. abstraction, n. Love is one kind of abstraction. And then there are those nights when I sleep alone, when I curl into a pillow that isn't you, when I hear the tiptoe sounds that aren't yours. It's not as if I can conjure you there completely. I must embrace the idea of you instead. awhile, adv. I love the vagueness of words that involve time. It took him awhile to come back - it could be a better of minutes or hours, days or years. It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing, for sure. Instances that made me feel, oh, this could be right. But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There's no pinpointing that. Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there's no signal event. There's just the steady accumulation of awhile. healthy, adj. There are times when I'm alone that I think, This is it. This is actually the natural state. All I need are my thoughts and my small acts of creation and my ability to go or do whatever I want to go or do. I am myself, and that is the point. Pairing is a social construction. It is by no means necessary for everyone to do it. Maybe I'm better like this. Maybe I could live in my own world, and then simply leave it when it's time to go. recant, v. I want to take back at least half of the "I love yous", because I didn't mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you, because you didn't get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you "honey" I front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I Wang to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the peopl who got the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you'd hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I wanted to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half of the "I love yous", because it feels safer that way. solipsistic, adj. Go ahead, I thought. Go ahead. Go ahead. I got stuck there. Go ahead. Go ahead. Because I genuinely couldn't see anything after that. yesterday, n. You called to ask me when I was coming home, and when I reminded you that I wasn't coming home, you sounded so disappointed that I decided to come home. And finally "what are you thinking?" it was always an act of desperation, and I keep on asking, even though I know it will never work the way I want it to. |
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